Ok kids, this is a little story about drugs, sex, and nudity...
Wit and wisdom by my friends
Ashlie on Insanity
Ashlie on Blue-Eyed Boys
Jess on spelling
Alan on Life Lessons
Becky on Early Drug Habits
Mary on Humor
Hannah on campus rules
Andy on Summer
Darien on Care Bears
Sarah on mean people
Zena on Partying
K.C. On the British
Cindy
My housemates say the darndest things:
CTY
Quotes from CTY, good times...
"Your leg is like my arm, your butt is like my face." -Gerardo
"I dont' want things growing in my room corners." -me
"It's personality that counts." -Jackie
“I’ll use this dead rat as a pillow.” –Gerardo
“Jess is like Joan of Arc, she’ll fuck you up.” –Gerardo
“The Gerardo soul train is out of gas.” -Gerardo
“He’s one of those people that tries to look like he’s hot, but he’s not.” –Jess
Activities at CTY: How to be a Central American Dictator: "My American friends, this is how we build a government in my country."
You had to be there...
I love animals...
Dave Barry's view on cats:
Harrison Ford...
Inner Bitch
-Christine Lavin
Mysterious Woman
-Christine Lavin
My favorite SNL Celebrity Jepordy Script
Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!
Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.
Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.
Alex Trebek: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object, and you'll tell me what it is, okay?
Sean Connery: It's a man with a mustache!
Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: It's a popsicle!
Alex Trebek. No. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum, name this object. Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you... when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you'd put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..
Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! [ timer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: It's a freaking hammer!
Jeff Goldblum: Well, of course it is!
Sean Connery: Now, listen to me! You back off, Trebek! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you! [ to Goldblum ] This guy reads from a card!
Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President." [ no responses, so more clue is revealed ] "He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news.." "..His first name is 'Bill'.." [ no responses ] "..Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently.." "..His last name is Clinton!.." "..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'." [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.
Sean Connery: And I'm the cock of the walk!
Alex Trebek: Alright, let's just move on to "Final Jeopardy". And the category is: "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G". [ "Final Jeopardy Theme" plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let's take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving "The Finger" appears] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.
Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let's see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.
Minnie Driver: Well, "I" is a letter isn't it?
Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Let's go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let's see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.
Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I, uh.. I can't read or write.
And now for a little section I like to call, "Deep thoughts at a Liberal Arts College"
The following are things that have actually been said in classes that I attend
I have now added a little section of Jacqueisms (aka. I say the darndest things...)
-The New Years Eve Story (as told by Mar)
"I've like, gone insane. I'm the little drummer boy."
"Blue eyed guys are so pretty. Some guys have blue eyes and you just want to eat their eyes off their face."
"Jackee, you can't spell Frank wrong. Unless you spell it with a P-H but then you would just be stupid."
"A man blew a goddamn ram's horn in my living room!"
"There was Lenny, the guy who sold speed to 5th grade overachievers."
"If we look homeless and take our pictures next to people in prom dresses it will be funny."
"You can't chain a freshman up to your bed! Thats illegal! Look it up in the campus by-laws."
"Summer is so long, there's like a week where I have nothing to do other than breathe and be white."
"You wonder on care bears if their design is their private part."
"Mean people should date and then have mean babies."
"I was talking to people about HFS and they were like 'yea, I got wasted' and I was like 'yea, well, i stole pants'."
"Prince Charles needs to see some American boobs."
"You can do all the hanky panky you want in the hot tub."
"They should have a tunnel, but people would probably pee in it." -Claire
"We just got rid of these weird, fat naked kids in our house." -Luci
"Sometimes I think these people are little winged monkeys from hell." -Katy
"I hate it when that happens." -student
"MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" -my hall's reaction to that
Why cats are better than dogs (from jestsandjokes.com):
Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
"Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent." (This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $3,200,000, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know.
It’s Harrison Ford
Those eyes those lips that hair
Harrison Ford
Our breath comes out white clouds mingles and hangs in the air
Harrison Ford
If I could only tell him how much I care
I want to kiss Harrison Ford
But I don’t dare
‘Cause he paralyzes me with his laser like gaze
Time stops, he communicates telepathically with me through the haze
And he says to me just using a little bit his eyeballs and just
a little tiny bit of his eyebrows he says to me:
Now you know that I know that you know who I am
Now you know that I know you are my biggest fan
But I’m out here having dinner with my lovely wife
We live in this tiny town because we need a life, OY!
I’m nothing like the character of Indiana Jones
I’m just a regular guy
Okay.. with better brawn and brains and bones
To keep you moving little lady, I’ll flash you my crooked smile
Something you can tell your friends for quite a long long while
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m still holding the door for you
Don’t ruin the evening for all of us, just keep walking through
Put one foot in front of the other, my hands are getting cold
Your friend is wondering what’s going on keep on moving I command you
Do as you are told!
So I did
I obeyed his command
Even telepathically Harrison Ford’s a powerful man
I kept on walking out that door
As it closed behind me I knew this moment would forever bind me to
Harrison Ford
I’ll never forget our mental embrace
Harrison Ford
Probably thought I was a psycho case
Harrison Ford
Lucky for me he does not carry mace
-Christine Lavin
Everybody thinks I'm a nice girl
And that's true
Except for one little hitch
When I'm not being a nice girl
I'm Getting In Touch With My Inner Bitch
I want to be a mysterious woman
I want to write mysterious songs
I want everyone to wonder
what is she thinking about?
existentialism? nihilism? wrong
I am thinking about
defrosting my refrigerator
but I could get into mysterious mood
watch me ask the bartender
for a drink he cannot make
watch me order mysterious food
food even Julia Child
cannot pronounce right
from cookbooks that time has forgot
then maybe I will read
Crime and Punishment for fun
then again, maybe not
"As usual, I provide an alternative to paying attention in class." -a professor
"Woah, 1982, that's like more than 11 years ago!" (October 2003)
"Society was very smelly." (about the Middle Ages)
"I took this course trying to expand my horizons and I spent my whole life trying to get those orizons back." -Darien
"We have to rearrange the syllabus, I think I'm going to be the governor of California." -my art history professor
"Honey, no, I just made out with you ten times on my bread."
"If I can't see, then she can't grade me."
"Amn't I?"
"I'm a narcoleptic Christmas tree."
"Math- drugs, whats the difference?"
"Speaking of Hugh Hefner, let me tell you about raspberries."
"I'm going to fall on my techtonically plated ass."
"It's a toilet, not a majic hole where you throw your trash away."
"I don't want to be a mosquito's birth experiment."
"Evil...demon...monkey"
"Have a buttfreakin day!"
